Hard conversations
The talk under the talk
Two roommates argue about dirty dishes.
It sounds like one fight. It is really three.
One argument, three layers
Watch the same fight on each layer.
"You left the dishes again." "No, two were yours." They argue over facts and blame.
Most people speak only the first layer aloud.
The feelings and identity layers stay hidden.
Those hidden layers often drive the whole fight.
A coworker's part of a project was late. Sort each line by its layer.
Tap an item, then a bucket
A friend says, "You forgot my birthday." The other person explains they were busy with work. Which layer does the friend most likely care about?
During the dish fight, one roommate snaps: "I'm not upset, I'm just stating a fact."Tap to reveal
This is hard to spot because it sounds calm and logical. But "just stating a fact" is the feelings layer hiding inside the what-happened layer. The upset is real and still steering the talk, just unnamed.
“There are three conversations: the "What Happened" Conversation, the "Feelings" Conversation, and the "Identity" Conversation.”— Stone, Patton & Heen, Difficult Conversations